My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
