I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
