I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
