accomplished twins. life is a go
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
