Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
