dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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