I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
