I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
