So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
