i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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