About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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