my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
organizing the empties. That sober.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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