dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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