Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
