Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
