Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
