Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
