Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
