I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
