Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
