I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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