I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
