i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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