He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
