I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
