u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
