I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
