after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
