The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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