Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
