she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
