i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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