I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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