he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
i need to put some appletini on your dick
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
