I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
