3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
