Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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