I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
