fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
