Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
