Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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