I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize