did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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