Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
