i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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