I cannot find my penis.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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