sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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