i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
