I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
