The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Im part way to drunk.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
