If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
