i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize