I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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