i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
