I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
